Emotional Yo-Yo

In 2010 I brought T with me to a consultation for Gastric Bypass surgery.  The appointment was amazing and the doctors sold me on the procedure.  I was all ready to have half of my stomach stapled shut and change my ability to process foods forever, until something (maybe fate, maybe Jesus) made a last minute switch to my health insurance and the procedure was no longer covered.  I never got the surgery and have mixed feelings as to whether or not I should have.

The problem with pondering the option of weight loss surgery is that the sales people are too good. They, in no certain terms, tell you that obesity cannot be solved by diet and exercise.  All diets fail, all obese people will remain obese, and you have no hope of ever maintaining a normal weight unless you go through drastic measures.

Imagine how DEFEATED that can leave someone.  I tear up thinking about how affected I was by my inability to get the procedure and what effect it had on my psyche.  I basically gave up on myself and am now just rallying against that devastation.

Here’s something very personal that I will share with you all about my weight loss journey.  The periods of time when I was the most active at the gym were the times when my depression spiked the highest.  I was disgusted with myself, did not love myself and so I tortured myself into getting thin.  I thought that if I was thinner, people would love me, therefore validating my self worth.

Therapy was a very important tool in making me the strong, comfortable, and confident person that I am now.  I love who I am and I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I have accomplished.

While this is amazing because I am finally comfortable in my skin, it has made it very difficult for me to be healthy.  My motivation to gym is gone.  What has replaced it is a general disdain for being uncomfortable.  Working out is hard.  Not everyone loves doing it and my first attempt at getting back into running resulted in this huge *ss blister on the back of my foot.

I just bought a 30 day trial to Washington Sports Club.  My mission is to go to the gym EVERYDAY of this 30 days and jumpstart my fitness regimen (yet again).  I’ll be chronicling this 30 days of fitness for Trianything so you guys can hear how I feel about it and how I’m doing.

– Tha Management

P.S. I have motivation to keep this up.  I graduate from law school on May 20th and since I gained all of this weight, I’ve hated taking pictures.  I’m trying to get closer to picture perfect by May 20th.

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One thought on “Emotional Yo-Yo

  1. EJ, thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure it was not easy being so transparent about your struggle with weight. Just know that I am here, in your corner, cheering you on the entire way! I, too, am struggling with what I see in the mirror, especially after having a baby and not wanting to get in the ‘mom jeans’ mentality lol. But I know that we’ll reach the place of the ‘best me.’ Not thin, or skinny by the media’s standards, but the best US for US! Take care and stay encouraged!

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